


Not Going Home

by Windfall13



Series: Requests [3]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Platonic Relationships, Self-Hatred, Team as Family, request, supportive team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-06 21:52:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18859825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Windfall13/pseuds/Windfall13
Summary: He wished he didn’t remember their faces. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much.





	Not Going Home

**Pidgeon:** _ Hey where r u? _

**Mullet Man:** _ You haven’t gone back to your family, you idit _

**Mullet Man:** _ *Idiot _

**Pidgeon:** _ You haven’t went back to your family? _

**Hunkalicious:** _ Lance, are you okay? You’re family’s very worried _

**Pidgeon: *** _ Your _

**Mullet Man:** _ Where are you?Answer me right now _

**Hunkalicious:** _ Not the time, Pidge! _

**Mullet Man:** _ That’s it. Where are you or I will find you myself _

**Hunkalicious:** _ Me and Keith will find you and you WILL answer _

**Space Dad:** _ Everyone’s worried about you. Please answer us. We really care about you but we can’t help you if you don’t tell us.  _

Lance had long since silenced his phone. He sat with his knees pushed to his chest, staring out at the ocean and its crashing waves that teased his bare toes. Sand slipped in between them and dirtied his both of his feet. But he couldn’t care less. He had wished for this, dreamed of this for the entire duration of the war. But although he wanted to go back to his family, Lance knew he couldn’t. He didn’t  _ deserve _ it. Because he was a murderer. 

Lance shut his eyes and sucked in air through his tense teeth, trying to calm his heart. He didn’t like that word, even if it was true. There were other words: criminal, butcher, killer, slaughterer. The cleanest word Shiro said was “soldier”. But that still didn’t fit right at all. Lance was too weak to be a soldier, and he still killed people, therefore he was a murderer. 

Lance traced the scars on his legs. He only stopped cutting because he hadn’t killed anyone recently, which was shocking. Normally, as a sniper, you can easily see the people you kill, and that was the most painful part of it. Lance hated how good he was, even if his team  _ sometimes _ acknowledged or even complimented how skilled he was. There was a reason why Lance skipped training. He thought that if he had just stopped, the body count would be lower. But that only contributed to pissing off his teammates. 

A few months after they were blasted into space, Lance thought that if he was going to rack up, he may as well pay for it. He didn’t know how many people he killed before, so he did twenty on the first day. And after that, Lance kept track of how many people he killed and tally marked them on his body. While it didn’t make it to his lower legs, there were so many sets on his upper body and thighs and arms. Yet his teammates never knew. Or they just didn’t care enough to even consider “Happy-Go-Lucky Lance” would be depressed.

Lance curled into a ball as he hyperventilated. God he really needed to cut. But he had no more space, at least no more space where people couldn’t see, and he couldn’t just cut over his scars. It was a sign of disrespect for the dead. Plus, he promised himself that he wouldn’t cut for his own gain. His body was only for the cuts of the lives he had taken. But he couldn’t deny how good it felt every time he cut. It was like weight would flow out with the blood. It made him  _ feel _ something. The killing would make him numb. He would get  _ used  _ to the killing. 

But everyone killed, didn’t they? That was what a soldier did. It was necessary for him to survive. There were those few times he  _ had _ to kill, otherwise he wouldn’t really be here. But was his life really worth as much as the people he killed? Those people had families and friend who cared for him. What did Lance have? A family who would most likely hate him for being a murderer and friends who didn’t care about him specifically but only cared for the soldier he was supposed to be on the battlefield. 

Lance’s breathing finally evened out, not perfect like before, but not in a panic attack mode. He looked up to the sky with a red, tear stricken face. Why couldn’t he just get over it? Why couldn’t he forget about the lives he had taken? He just wanted it all to end. Lance’s eyes traced towards the cliff that was in the distance. The waves crashed against its rocky base. Lance quickly turned away. Was he seriously thinking about killing himself? He still had to suffer for the people he killed. 

“Lance? Hey buddy, we’ve been looking all over for you.”

That was Hunk. His voice sent electric shocks through Lance’s body. He squeezed his knees tighter to his chest. He knew they would see the scars, but it gave him a sense of security.  _ Some  _ sense of security. 

“Hey man. Talk to us.”

He should’ve known Keith would’ve came as well. Lance wanted to tell Keith to leave like he left Voltron. He wanted to tell Keith that he would just make everything worse. Instead, Lance let the men sit by him, Keith on his left and Hunk on his right. The three stared into the ocean. The tension was uncomfortable, but before Lance could say anything, he felt fingers trace the scars on his left bicep.

“Lance…” Keith murmured, “You did this?”

Lance cowered into himself some more before he peeped out an answer, “Yes...”

Lance couldn’t hear it, but he could tell that Hunk didn’t want Keith to interrogate Lance anymore. Finally, the larger man placed a hand on Lance’s back, rubbing it, “Do you wanna tell us why you aren’t going back to your family?”

Lance almost laughed. Great, he was being babied. Was there a reason why? He was just being a depressed emo because he killed some people. But it wasn’t just  _ some _ people though. He killed many. Too many.

“Because…” 

“Wanna elaborate?” Keith asked with annoyance. Hunk reassured Lance, “We’re here for you, okay? We’ll help you but we can’t unless you tell us.”

Finally, Lance sighed, “Do you remember how many people you killed?”

Keith raised an eyebrow, “Um...no, not really.”

Hunk answered with confusion as well, “I-I’d really rather not but we do what we have to do.”

“Well I do.” Lance whispered, “I remember very clearly. I remember their faces.”

Keith frowned, “Because you’re a sniper?”

“Yeah...I dunno...I guess I just feel the heat of my actions maybe? I mean I can remember how many and it’s too many people.”

There was a pause before Hunk reluctantly asked, “So that’s what the…’tally marks’ are for?”

“I have to pay for their lives in some way, Hunk. I’m a murderer. And murderers should be locked up, not celebrating with their family.”

Keith snapped at the depressed boy, “Okay, you know what? Stop thinking about it! We’ve all killed in this war, Lance! Don’t ever think you’re alone!”

Lance was confused at Keith’s response. It was just between “Don’t be fucking selfish” and “You’re not alone”. But that was Keith. He couldn’t quite convey his emotions through words. Hunk clarified for Lance, “What he’s trying to say is that we’re all here for you. We’ve all killed and we’ve had experiences so we can help you. We can help each other! I can’t make you stop hurting yourself but the least I can do is be there for you.”

“But...we’ve still killed people. Doesn’t that bother you?” Lance asked. Keith shrugged, “It’s because we had to. Those people killed as well and they would’ve killed us too. We’re soldiers. We can’t avoid killing. Believe me when I say that if there’s another way I could avoid killing people, I would. But war is war and killing just can’t be avoided.”

Lance sighed. Keith was right. Lance was against killing, but they were bad people and in a war, killing couldn’t just be avoided. That was the reality. He traced his scars once more. The scars of the people he killed. He would never be able to forget, but that was in the past. This was now. 

He had to live in the moment. The war was over and Lance had a family waiting for him. He could try. It was the least he could do. Just  _ try. _

“Let’s...go home.” Lance said, finally standing up. The two men beside him stood up as well. Keith asked him, “But are you going to be okay?”

With a shaky yet reassuring smile, Lance said, “Yeah….I will be. Thanks for being there for me.”

Keith shoved his hands in his pockets, not knowing how to respond properly. So Hunk answered instead, “No problem, Lance.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you guys have requests, go to my tumblr ask box or comment down below! Hoped you demons enjoyed and ✌️!
> 
> Tumblr: realwindfalltreason


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